I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
