Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
