my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
