theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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