In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
