forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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