I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize