dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
