She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
This house was built for laser tag.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize