Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor