Texts From Last Night

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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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  (501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer. http://tfl.nu/ubeq
  Replies (31) Good night (3123) Bad night (1248)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.

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  (231): I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1ez
  Replies (19) Good night (753) Bad night (3603)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.

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  (843): so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor. http://tfl.nu/1pvp
  Replies (156) Good night (4834) Bad night (1117)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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  (313): i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried. http://tfl.nu/0j7l
  Replies (59) Good night (1647) Bad night (5348)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

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  (617): Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents? (1-617): Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend http://tfl.nu/hheb
  Replies (28) Good night (3702) Bad night (1156)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.

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  (503): Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously. http://tfl.nu/epia
  Replies (10) Good night (758) Bad night (5200)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...

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  (775): Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks... http://tfl.nu/pt70
  Replies (8) Good night (1918) Bad night (828)
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom

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  (226): We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom http://tfl.nu/piiz
  Replies (21) Good night (1383) Bad night (4664)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.

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  (908): You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution. http://tfl.nu/9oem
  Replies (4) Good night (2370) Bad night (643)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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  (781): Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade" http://tfl.nu/du64
  Replies (3) Good night (1162) Bad night (724)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.

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  (480): She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress. http://tfl.nu/19rj
  Replies (4) Good night (550) Bad night (1258)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song

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  (908): Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song http://tfl.nu/uwq0
  Replies (13) Good night (1379) Bad night (493)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.

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  (506): There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet. http://tfl.nu/yw9h
  Replies (23) Good night (1011) Bad night (479)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens

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  (765): Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens http://tfl.nu/v1vn
  Replies (3) Good night (335) Bad night (185)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication

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  (508): I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication http://tfl.nu/sp6h
  Replies (1) Good night (388) Bad night (149)

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