I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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