now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i think my mom watched the whole time
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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