Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
