u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
