i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
