When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize