so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
