My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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