No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
