I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
