i think my tv is drunk
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
