I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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