This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
