Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
