I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
