Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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