I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
