dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
