guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
