A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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