does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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