question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
two words: eviction party
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
