The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
