oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My dick has a subreddit
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
