She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
