Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
