last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Everclear isn't food dammit
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
