So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
