My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Terrible idea I love it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
