After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
