Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
