I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
