If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
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I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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