Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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