ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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