I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
