Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
