I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
