Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
