I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't turn off my feet"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
