I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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