so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I could fuck to npr.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
