actually, I'm a sock model
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize