Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
