maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
