I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
